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- Wikipedia quote: "In psychology and logic, rationalization (or making excuses) is the process of constructing a logical justification for a belief, decision, action or lack thereof that was originally arrived at through a different mental process."-

A great deal of blanks, dreamwise, this week. The only dream I remember with any specificity at all is the one where I contemplated thanatism and stuffed aloe vera in my mouth. The aloe vera bit kind of woke me up... for the first few disorienting seconds I was trying to figure out whether I needed to spit it out. Fortunately for the carpet, I worked out that it had been a dream before my spitting abilities woke up.

If you'll forgive my self-indulgence for this post, I feel the need to gripe. Specifically, this post will be the continuation of the one from two or three weeks ago where I talked about coming out as an atheist.

First off, I'm going to add a bit of explanation here, because I know I have readers in other areas. In the US, especially in places like Colorado (where I live), being an atheist is a big deal. I know in other countries religion isn't discussed openly very much, but here it plays a large role in both the cultural and political scene.

I've already had discussions with friends in other regions, and they invariably get confused as to why this matter is looming so large, so just as a clarification: in my area, "personal beliefs" matter.

Remember that the following rant is coming from that kind of incubation.

I'm starting to understand, now, why atheists/humanists/brights/whatever you want to call them become activists. I didn't get it when I was a Christian, but now that I can put myself in their shoes without being trapped by the framework of my own beliefs, I see it.

Atheists can oppose religion for a number of reasons, but for me it's the fear. When I was young, constant thoughts of Hell and of why I couldn't "feel God" the way the grownups did terrorized me. I would lie in bed wondering if this night, by some health fluke, I would die, and I wouldn't be ready.

As I got older, the fear was slowly pushed to the back burner. People explained that the reason they were so sure of their faith was because of certain verses of the Bible that guaranteed salvation to those who asked. Also, by some weird emperor's-new-clothes mechanism, I started "feeling God". I guess people talked about it so much that my brain was finally able to make it up. But I think, even then, I suspected it wasn't real.

Christians say that Jesus is all about love. They say that accepting Jesus is a matter of seeing his love and responding in the only rational way. But there's a disconnect there. At least in the churches I went to (primarily Baptist, but I'm fairly certain this is a common thread in evangelical traditions), the altar calls and the explanations of the gospel were always tinted with that undercurrent of fear. Yeah, they repackage it up as "I realized how much Jesus loved me and I couldn't refuse," but I think the fear of Hell plays a larger role than most people are willing to admit.

This kind of psychological manipulation was what woke me up to start questioning seriously (hint: when Christians say they "questioned God," it usually means that they kept asking questions until they found enough questions with answers that confirmed their beliefs). If so much stress was put on the emotional aspect, attracting people to Christ through community and love and that undercurrent of fear, then the fact that Christianity had so many dedicated followers didn't mean much. Of course Christianity has a ton of followers, because it's really good at pulling people's strings, appealing to their emotions rather than their brains. Don't believe me? Look at any tract or witnessing aid. It doesn't bother trying to address whether God or Jesus exist, it simply assumes that they do and reminds people of what their reaction to this should be if they don't want to go to Hell.

In America, assuming that people believe in God/Jesus is a reasonable assumption. This causes problems, though, when Christians try to talk to genuine atheists. Given Romans 1:18-23, Christians are convinced that everyone is aware of God in their hearts, that the existence of God is obvious given the natural world. Thus, they (and this was me, a month or so ago) think that atheists really do believe in God, they're just hiding that belief away so that they have a license to "live for themselves" rather than for God.

Hence, when I mention that I'm an atheist, I get comments like "God still loves you" and "if you read the Bible, God will reveal Himself to you" (as if I'm merely in a "rough spot" in my faith and would like to increase my conviction that God exists -- also, incidentally, it was partially because I read the Bible so much that I realized how implausible it all was). There's a mental block there that absolutely refuses to accept that I think that God is a fairytale.

I probably should add here, as I always do, that the Christian community isn't doing the manipulation thing on purpose. It's something that got stickier and stickier over time (sticky ideas spread better, you see) until, almost with a spirit of its own, it morphed into what it is today. Christians aren't trying to manipulate anyone; they feel that any emotional appeals they make are serving the greater good of getting people saved from eternal fire. Their fear is motivating them to spread the fear, like some kind of whacked-out mental rabies. But that fear is often couched in love and community -- another layer that makes the idea of leaving seem dangerous, because you fear losing community. But that doesn't mean that being in that community isn't fun and enjoyable and supporting while you're inside. I have plenty of fond memories.

Unfortunately, the truth does not and should not depend on fond memories or how likable certain groups of people are. However, this is another thing that the Bible has twisted for Christians; there's definitely passages that encourage generosity and peacefulness and all these virtues for the purpose of guiding others into becoming Christians. I've had some people actually apologize to me for not being "good Christians", causing me to leave, but that's preposterous. The behavior of Christians has very little to do with their truth claims. Truth claims should be evaluated on their own merits, not because you like the people making the claims.

Reality check. If you're interested in more, try Stefan Molyneux's Parable of the Apple. I first read it when I was still a Christian, and I found it quite vitriolic and angry... but now I understand his frustration, why he feels cheated. On some level, I feel cheated too, even though I know it wasn't anyone's fault.

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-Forum quote: "you should subscribe to the forum to be able to receive email alerts"-

I had another of those lovely dreams where I dreamed about my job this week. Dear Brain, I do that during the day... experiencing it during the night as well is a little redundant.

I would write more today, but I just enjoyed the magical, once-a-year wonder that is Engineer's Feast, a time where I gorge myself silly on delicious food while wearing garb and hanging out with the other SCA nerds.

Reality check. I just woke up from an hour of "food coma".

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-Corcoran quote: "These babies feature a Poron cushioned insole that's specifically designed to absorb the blast from a hard landing."-

Most interesting dream this week, I was in some kind of war game. However, I think my brain got all confused and wasn't sure whether it was the kind where it happens in real life, but the guns are nonlethal, or whether it happens on a computer/console and they are. I don't think most airsoft scenarios feature real helicopters you can call in for backup.

First of all, happy Easter and happy belated Passover, Good Friday, etc.

Second, I know I teased you last week by saying that I was busy, but more details would follow about what was going on.

Essentially, I have awesome timing. By which I mean I have terrible timing. It so happens that last week, right before Palm Sunday, I came out as an atheist. Handling people's reactions is what has been keeping me busy (and somewhat stressed) since then.

For one thing, and I feel horrid saying this, but I'm starting to get annoyed when my Christian friends talk to me. I would like for them to be curious/supportive, but the most I can get out of them is an argument. Debate is fun and engaging and all that, but it's just a wee bit insulting when they bring out the same arguments I researched in making my decision. There's an implication that I became an atheist due to bad information or incomplete information, which would be quite idiotic on my part. I would have to be thoroughly insane to stop believing in God on a whim -- risking eternal damnation on scant evidence is beyond suicidal.

The reason I feel horrid about saying this, though, is because it's exactly how I would have responded before. I feel guilty for getting frustrated at them, you see, because they're exactly how I was, and I can still put myself in their shoes.

For another thing, it's surprisingly lonely from where I sit. My family, friends, most of the people I spend time with are all Evangelical Christians, and suddenly I have so little in common with them. It's no wonder, now, why some people hide, just keep going to church with a smile. I have revealed the change to some, but there are many, many more to go and I don't know what their reactions will be or how bad their reactions will be. I do know that it will likely fundamentally change my relationships with them, and I fear it will not be for the better.

However, I have to be honest, and I would rather be honest sooner than later. I will wait until the Easter frenzy has died down a bit to tell everyone else, though.

Reality check. In short, that's why I didn't write a post last week.