jfaq

-Old headline quote: "WHO backs genetic experiments with smallpox", News Scientist, 2004-

I had somewhat of a dream last night. It had to do with state quarters (for the out-of-U.S. readers, those are quarters with different backs, commemorating each of the fifty states in turn, and produced in limited quantities) and also Raleys, which is (literally, by Consumer Reports) the best grocery store in the U.S.

I mentioned in an earlier post (which I am too lazy to find, use the Google search in the Navbar, please) the wonderfully awful B movie Fluteman. Well, I looked around for it online, and material on it is shockingly sparse, so I will provide a public service and review it here.

I worry some about spoiling the plot for you, since the outcome of the plot is only subtly hinted right about when a MYSTERIOUS MAN WHO PLAYS THE FLUTE comes to a VILLAGE WITH A PROBLEM where GREEDY CITY LEADERS PAY HIM TO FIX THE PROBLEM while the camera mostly follows the CHILDREN, one of whom HAS A DISABILITY. Since that is a very quiet, unobtrusive nudge, the village teacher helps us out by having one of the kids in her one-room school read a poem about the Pied Piper. Pause, pause. Okay, I'll spoil the plot for you: fluteman=pied piper! I know! It's astounding!!! I only guessed it about... when I looked at the title on the box.

Anyway, in this case, the problem is lack of rain (Hamelin now being this obscure town in Australia which I can never recall the name of) and, conveniently, Mr. Fluteman's instrument can manipulate water (there is one particularly ludicrous scene in which he sits in front of a watering can playing the eponymous flute, and every time he plays a short melody, the watering can spews out water, which stops as soon as he turns around to look at the mischievous can. It is so obviously powered by a hose that you really have to see the scene to understand). The classroom, meanwhile, has your requisite semi-focused children, along with one boy who is supposedly deaf. As a "deaf" boy, he must be communicated to by means of signs by the teacher, but how he derives any information from these signs is a mystery. The conversations seem to consist of the teacher slowly saying the words and flourishing every fifth word with a carefully placed hand movement, no doubt meant to signify some complicated topic, but in effect more like wiggling her fingers to get them uncramped. Perhaps he lipreads?

The two villains are the highlight of the tale. One of them, Oswald Snaith, looks remarkably like a very nervous version of Hitler, who utters such gems as "B-b-b-b-b-bbut Claaarence! I don't want to go to j-j-j-j-j-jj-jj-j-jj-jjjaaaail!!" as they embezzle money from the town and hide the bundle (this is lo-tech embezzling) in a very, very secret spot. Namely, the top of a large file cabinet, in a basket that looks like those used by elementary-school teachers for turned-in work. Of course, this renders them unable to hold up on their end of the bargain with Fluteman for rain, so he, of course, runs away with the village's children.

Things to watch for. When Fluteman has promised rain, there is a long stretch where people are saying "There will be no rain" and printing it in the newspaper, and the like. When the rain finally comes, in fact, one of the characters is getting ready to print in the paper that rain never came, when it handily pours into his OPEN-CEILINGED office. Also, in the bargaining stage with Fluteman, when Oswald and Clarence keep trying to weasel out of paying, one of their "tricks" is to have him make the rain go away after a certain period of time. But by this time they have made themselves so annoying that it disappears, only to coalesce in a tiny personal-sized cloud constantly dumping on only their heads. Additionally, when Fluteman finally runs away with the children, the deaf boy is of course too slow, but when he sees the last of the children, he regains his hearing and hears the tune Fluteman plays. When he comes back to town, the teacher asks him to play the tune, so he plops down before the piano and plunks it out, straight off. Even though he has been deaf for his entire life, and could not possibly know where on the keyboard the notes he heard were.

The ending is a little different from the classic tale's. One thing to remember when you watch is that Australian money is made of plastic... which turns out to be very handy in the end.

Reality check. See if you can find a tape (difficult) or DVD (unlikely) of Fluteman anywhere. If you can, let me know where!