fjfjta

-Microprocessor314 quote: "I. am. here. Sirrus. You. can. eat. me. now.", 'Achenar', '3 Minutes of Myst Randomness'-

I had somewhat of a memorable dream last night. It involved going to visit my grandparents (which pops up in dreams a lot, since it was probably the most exciting thing I could have done when I was little) and also visiting a rather opulent museum.

Next part in the series: Step 4: The Faux Marble Countertop

Since you are now in close concord with the Countertop (or presumably so, since you just cleaned the Sink. However, it is altogether possible that you are nowhere near the Countertop, by virtue of becoming so Slough-of-Despaired with the combined effects of the Mirror and the Sink that you have disappeared into a nearby McDonald's to sulk over McNuggets. In that case, the Countertop in closest proximity to you would not be Faux Marble, but rather a Faux Sci-fi Power-crystal Amalgam Countertop Shipped in Translight from an Advanced Alien Civilization. You can clean that too, although be warned that it may have armed quad-cannons), it would only be logical to... stop now. We will, however, joyfully leave the sane readers by the wayside and forge ahead.

Be advised, first of all, that, as the FM Countertop is another surface intended to be Shiny, it should be regarded as Faux in every homophone of the word. You will thus need to begin with a clean weapon, and for this task, tear off a New Sheet of Paper Towel. The one that you used for the Sink and Drain will just not do, since, first of all, it is such a pulpy, saturated, chalky, smelly gob of servile goo by now that the rest of the Paper Towel Roll has voted to revoke its citizenship. Secondly, it happens to be resentful of this ruling, and is currently hiring advanced alien quad-cannons using a radio assembled from mouth detritus. Luckily for you, your trash can just so happens to be fitted with a radio disrupter (embedded covertly in a recently discarded McNuggets box), so if you throw the glop away right now, you just may be able to get the order to cancel. Even very advanced alien civilizations have not solved the problem of multiple-confirmation order forms, though they are working on it.

Once you have gotten a New Sheet of Paper Towel (and averted interstellar war), moisten the Sheet with the Cleaner of your choice. Alternately, you may switch back to Glass Cleaner Wet Wipes if you were using them before. However you get there, apply the Cleaner to the Faux Marble Countertop with gusto, remembering throughout that full cleanness is improbable. Since cleanness, in an FM Countertop, is defined as Shiny, and it is perhaps an even larger surface than the Mirror, you will once again encounter malignant VWS (not to be confused with Benignant/At Least Peaceful VW Vans). As it is futile to identify VWS by sight -- a turn of the light will cause them to emerge where none once were -- you might guess that the best approach is simply to sweep the FM Countertop with broad, unheeding strokes and hope for the best. I am here to tell you that there is a better, easier, more thorough way!

You say you would like to know this special method?

The best approach to cleaning the FM Countertop is as follows:

1. Visit your local hardware store.
2. Look at the beautiful Countertops there displayed for inspiration.
3. Purchase the necessary materials.
4. Have a handyman install your new Countertop.

And the most important step of all...

5. Do not wash your hands, brush your teeth, take a shower, or do any other behavior that creates water spots. Ever.

Foolproof!

To be continued...(Step 5: The Vile, Encrusted Toilet)

Reality check. Be especially wary if the Countertop in the Bathroom is, in fact, real Marble.