qaf

-Cooan idiom: "mntq/f jftqaf q/" [loosely translated: "like a mother that hates the way her own daughter looks"]-

Last night I experienced what is charmingly referred to in The Golden Compass as a "night-ghast". Of the two common categories I have (physical peril/family issues), it was relationship problems. I had a couple other dreams, but that was the only one I convinced myself to get up and record.

I present: How to Clean a Bathroom, or Perhaps Hiring Maids Is Not So Snooty As It Seems (a series)

Step one: To get in the proper state of mind (hereafter referred to as "the slough of despair", to be variously pronounced "slew", "slow", or "sloff" at the reader's discretion), you must begin with the Mirror. There is no other part of the bathroom (save, perhaps, the Vile Encrusted Toilet -- more on that to follow) that carries with it quite the tincture of futility so desirable to attaining the slough of despair. Start by procuring your cleaning equipment of choice. I personally think that Windex should be taken only in small doses (see: Toothpaste-entombed Sinks), so I use glass-cleaner wipes. These have the dubious advantage of smelling like isopropyl alcohol rather than, well, Windex, and being less wet and untidy overall. Also, they are touted as being quick-drying, so theoretically I do not have to employ a drying swipe of paper towel after their application, and streak-free, which every glass cleaner claims but universally does not deliver. I am unsure whether the quick-drying appellation refers to the Mirror or to my Hand, which generally has to be bathed in the Sink (ruining any cleaning that might have occurred on the Sisyphean Faucet) at the first opportunity to stop its shrivelling and falling off directly.

In any case, whichever cleaning equipment you decide upon, proceed to swipe it (rapidly, if it is the quick-drying sort, as it will soon be rendered useless by evaporation) in indiscriminate strokes across the vast expanse of the Mirror. By some sadistic conspiracy among architects, the size of your Mirror no doubt rivals that of an Olympic swimming pool, and indeed, given its reflectivity, could be mistaken as such if mounted horizontally. However, you gladly bought the house with the largest Mirror possible, due to the conspiracy previously mentioned, that blinds home buyers to the obvious disadvantages of such a surface. Also, it was Shiny (more on this when Sisyphean Faucets are discussed). You are currently aiming to restore it to something resembling its original Shiny state, but due to your marked lack of Servile Architectural Apprentices to clean it night and day, you will fail. In fact, not only will you fail, but you will actually INCREASE the soil level of your Mirror, due to your cleaning implement's distressing fondness for depositing profuse Paper Lint on the Mirror. Even supposing you bully your Paper Towel into lintless submission (the technique of which still eludes me), there is still the problem of Viral Water Spots. These Water Spots bear the name Viral due to their singular ability to elude elimination, and to multiply. You will find that, though the Mirror looks beautiful (even Shiny) from the angle at which you are presently looking, that the moment the Paper Towel is finally commited to the Trash Can, myriad VWS (meaning Viral Water Spots rather than Passats, of course) will spontaneously emerge from their petri dishes and subdue the Mirror. They will be visible, and clearly so, whenever the light chances to tickle your Mirror... no matter how clearly they had disappeared from your original Deceptive Line of Sight.

I am convinced that Mirrors worldwide are secretly planning a takeover, hence the eventual state you will be forced to: dancing back and forth, peering at reflected images to see if an odd speck appears that is not, in fact, on the original object, followed by a frenzied scrubbing on the corresponding location on your Mirror. Our Mirrors plan to enslave us, and to this end they have enlisted the help of symbiotic VWS.

Next episode: Step Two: The Sisyphean Faucet...

Reality check. Particularly if you are being stalked by VWS.