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I didn't remember much of a dream last night either (unless the memory of cleaning the bathroom was in fact a dream and not just thinking about this blog!). I was pretty busy in the evening though, so that probably explains it. And I'm forgetting to do reality checks.

*swivels head away from screen, then looks back to see if the text has changed*

Guess I'm awake.

But on to the series! This is Step 6: Floor.

The Floor of the bathroom may seem the most innocuous of the bunch. It has neither odiferous boils of caked-on muck, nor malignant VWS, nor even (readily apparent) abysses of Sisyphean doom. It is not intended to be Shiny (or at least shouldn't be... if you possess a Shiny Floor, you either need to step out of the '80's retro/modernbutactuallyjustold designer home, or out of the Corinthian-leather-apholstered space fighter, whichever applies), and at any rate, it doesn't get much sunlight anyhow, so Water Spots are rendered harmless.

The first tipoff that this idea is utterly naive and foolish should be your weapon of choice. If this Floor is so much simpler to conquer than the previous stages of battle, then why, pray tell, do you use a Cleaning Implement fully twice as long as even the Toilet Brush to attack it? This weapon, colloquially termed a Mop (or a Swiffer Mop, if you're a sissy like me), will bear a strong resemblance to the great Flint Spear of yore, with the only real difference being a lack of a sharp, disemboweling tip. As well as being of a bright color formerly avoided for its considerably conspicuous presence in a Jungle of yore.

Due to the risk of lawsuits, modern day Flint Spears have largely had their stabbing tip upgraded to a softer, more child-friendly material. To promote this safe, forward-thinking design, Flint Spear manufacturers collectively decided to change the name of their product into the gentler term, Mop. And so the Mop was born. Engineers working for the Mop companies insist that none of the previous functionality was lost in the upgrade; however, the current lack of extant woolly mammoths and/or saber-toothed cats precludes a controlled test of this claim.

Now, there are Floors. To tackle this foe, unfortunately, the Flint Spear seems still in need of modification, though happily, Floors lack the woolly mammoth's penchant for goring unsuccessful spearmen.

Begin by tromping your Spear (excuse me, Mop) out of the deep recesses of the coat closet where it is lurking. It is unknown why Mops are always stored here, unless perhaps their owners desire to relive the primeaval Jungle experience amidst their own dark forest of coats, shoes, and Hasselman Combination 2-in-1 Toaster-Ice Cream Makers. After successfully retrieving your Mop, proceed to the linen closet (which will be on the opposite side of the house) and take out an Electrostatic Something Something Dust Cloth. Oh yes! I forgot. I've only had experience with Swiffer Flint Spears, so if you use a traditional Wet Flint Spear, you will have to figure it out yourself (bwahahaha). Once you have affixed the Electrostatic Something Something Dust Cloth to your Spear (Mop!), losing several fingertips in the process, you are ready to begin Mopping. You will find that, though your Mop has nice, sharp corners (if it is indeed a Swiffer Spear) on its bottom pad, no amount of fruitless wedging will be able to dislodge the dust in the corners of the Bathroom. Also, after a certain (short) period of time, the Cloth will become clogged with unspeakable quantities of hair, rendering its Electrostatic Something Something properties, useless. You will be forced to tackle both these areas after you are finished with the rest of the Floor, by removing the Cloth and schlooming up the particles by hand. This task will be unpleasant, as generally the largest, most recognizable particles are the ones least affected by Electrostatic Something Something Forces.

Additionally, you will find that you loathe Shower Mats. By some quirk of constantly applied Electrostatic Something Something Forces, combined with its sheer Fluffiness, the Shower Mat retains an unmatched potential for attracting and hoarding hair. Its edges will be tangled and repulsive with stringy strands, but as it is larger than your pitiful Cloth, you cannot overcome its ESS F powers with mere Mopping. Indeed, even hand-schlooming/grovelling will produce little success against its superior Fluffy Attack.

It leads one to ponder... since Water Spots are invisible on the Floor, but hair is decidedly not, why do people even USE Shower Mats?

This is a question I doubt will be resolved until I move to a cooler climate.

Reality check! And you can stick your Electrostatic Something Something Dust Cloth in the laundry now, as this series is finally complete!